Monday, November 28, 2011

"Love, so many people use your name in vain"

“Love, so many people use your name in vain. Looove”(Musiq)

What is love? (1) defines love as:
(1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b : an assurance of affection

2: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
3a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admirationb (1) : a beloved person : DARLING —often used as a term of endearment (2) British —used as an informal term of address
4a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind(2) : brotherly concern for othersb : a person's adoration of God

And all of these sounded good but they just didn’t amount to the feeling that I call love.

So I got to thinking well, who taught me how to love? Who did God use as tools to help me learn how to love? An array of names came up, starting with my parents (Honor thy mother and thy father fore they days will be long upon the land… see I told you, they are your x marks the spot you are here blueprints to the land God knew you could walk… but I digress). Then names of previous boyfriends, current and previous friends, came to mind.

While going through my mental rolodex I noticed that it never occurred to me to put my name on the list. I did not put myself on the list of people who taught me how to love. I mean out of the names on my list, shouldn’t I have been the very first one??? But thinking all about that would have put me in a-whole-nother mental windstorm so I just acknowledged the fact that I did not put myself on the list. And to make matters… more… interesting, when I tried to think of how I loved myself I couldn’t even come up with the answers!!!

But that’s okay. Whatever beliefs I had about love had no doubt created the situations that I wound up in. Those situations tested those beliefs and through the tests, I realized that the belief that I had about love- which was being mirrored back to me in my relationships- is NOT the definition that worked for me. For example, one of my beliefs was, that when you love someone you do what they say or they do what you say. Therefore, I found myself in relationships where I allowed someone else to come into my life and dictate my actions because I loved them and wanted them to be happy. And at times, they did the same for me. But what about the times when this belief didn’t hold true?

What about the time when I thought he loved me so he would be loyal to me, but he wasn’t? And as a result I tried to control him, tried to MAKE him display his, love for me; all the while, killing my love for myself and him when he would not abide. These actions painted my life with stories of all kinds of abuse.

So… that belief can’t be true right? RIGHT! So what do I do? Do I continue to go from one situation to the next with the idea that love is control, that for someone to love you, they do what you say or for you to show you love someone you do what they say? Do I continue to find myself in more portraits of abuse –both to self and the man I say I love? Or do I realize that maybe just maybe my definition of love is jacked up? And choose to no longer follow this definition into relationships because the pain- the proof that my definition is jacked up- is no longer necessary?

I say this so often “this too shall pass” that I fear people will start to think it is one of my favorite clich├ęs… because that is not the case. I say this phrase because it is true. In Ecclesiastes chapter three the the speaker states (2):

1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
So, “this too shall pass”. Seasons of winter will come… bringing painted portraits of abuse but spring is right around the corner; I’ve had enough of being cold… lonely… dead. “This too shall pass”. We cannot get caught up in our experiences because they do not define us… it is the definition that we put towards them, we define our experiences! Will we ever come to over-stand how powerful we really are?

Yes I was in a situation where confusing control with love had me in a fucked up situation. But this does not mean that I am unworthy, that this is all I am capable of attracting, that I was treated badly because I deserved it. It simply means that I learned a fucked up definition of love. What is beautiful about this is that through living, I KNOW BETTER.

We often wish for a do-over button in life; a rewind button; an eraser to erase some shit; and would you believe me if I told you that we do have it; in our minds. When we learn something that does not fit our… paradigm we have the power to erase it take out the letters we don’t like, the periods, the semi colon’s and rewrite the whole damn thing!

I may not have known what love is, did not know how to love myself, but I am learning.

Do you, know what love is? Do you thrive in the midst of love? And if you don’t… that’s okay. Just know that you are a Co-Creator of your life. Now, with that knowledge, what are YOU going to do about it?



Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Go Round That Bend!

Since I’m such the perfect lil authoress I had found a piece of scrap paper in my purse to write my many epiphanies on for my latest blog. Since I also have a problem with completion and consistency, at the moment, I cannot find it. I am not going to let that stop me, because earlier today I was preaching about “’by any means necessary’. Isn’t that what Malcolm X said”? So by any means necessary this blog will get written and that’s just that.
So, I live in the country and one day I was riding around because I did not want to go home. So instead of taking routes that I was familiar with I got a little… adventurous and turned left onto this road that I had been down once before, but turned around after getting about five minutes into the ride because I was scared of getting lost. But on this day, I went farther came to another stop sign and went left because another car went in that direction. I kept riding, admiring the scenery, which only consisted of grass, trees, and houses but I was enjoying what I saw. Being in nature, or in my case, riding through it is calming. I keep straight and come to another stop sign and turned left again. I would have kept going straight but I saw a sign that said “end of state maintenance” so that meant; turn around. When I turned around I made a left on a little side road. Now mind you, I am riding down this road scared as hell. Ask me why. And I couldn’t tell you because it was daylight, I had gas in my car, my doors were locked, seat belt on, but I was scared. Scared to get lost, what if I got a flat and my phone couldn’t find a signal and I died out there. Or worse the KKK see me riding around and lynch my black ass. All kind of thoughts were going through my mind. I kept going straight and came into a curvy part of the road, going around the curve I felt like I was in the mountains but I was only 15 mins from my house so I couldn’t be in the mountains right? So I kept going and I seen one of those signs that lets you know a curve is coming up.. a crucial curve at that, but I keep going. I go around a small curve; not so bad. I keep going and there is a deep right angle curve and there are no more trees beside the road there is rock and to my right is a steep drive way with a house down in the cut, man you should have seen me pulling down in that drive way and backing my ass up out of there! I was too through; I thought I was in the mountains.

Leaving the road I was thinking about coming back because man something inside of me just wanted me to keep going straight. I tried to convince a guy friend of mine to come take me down the road, he wouldn’t or at least didn’t in enough time for me. I mentioned it to another friend, no response, I mentioned it to several friends but none of them really seemed too thrilled about it. But I had to go, every time I came to the stop sign that began my adventure I wanted to make that left and keep going, I even wanted to do it at night, but come on son, I’m not that crazy. Well one day I had to pick a friend up from work and I asked her, “you wanna go on that rode” all see had to do was slightly open her mouth for a yes and I was already turning going in that direction. So we riding, and she’s enjoying the scenery and talking, and we get to the infamous curve and she says “Cole we must be up pretty high because I see the tops of trees” told ya’ll I was in the mountains! So we keep going, through that curve and made a left and kept straight. Well we didn’t see any more deep curves or rock for that matter but when we came to our last stop sign guess where we were, right on a road that is beside my church!

My friend and I went to our house and had a good laugh about the event. She joked about me praying asking if I could take someone around the bend with me, and even though I didn’t get a definite yes I still acted upon it. She described herself as the willing… partner ride or die and ready for anything and we just laughed. Laughed about how smoothly I had gotten her to ride with me, but as usual with us, the conversation got deep. I wanted to go around the road, but I was afraid to do it by myself even though something in my called out for me to do it. As the driver I have the drive the initiative to get something started, the fearlessness –as long as I can bring someone with me. And my passenger, is willing, open to whatever may come, but had to realize that she does not need another person to drive her because the Creator is always driving her…. Who knew that all of this could come from a little exploring?

So what in your life are you afraid to go around the bend on? Do you feel that you are incapable or unworthy of doing it without grasping the hand of someone to venture off with you? Or are you waiting for a driver ignoring the fact that the Driver lives within you? Don’t be afraid. Go, GO NOW! “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always be where you’ve always been”, and you already know what is behind you. When you venture out to something new trust that God is taking care of you and will ride with you, safely, to wherever it is you need to be, with newer heights of awareness to accompany you along the way. Go! GO NOW!

© 2011 Enigma

Little Girl Dance!

So, how many of you know that there are different age groups of you, living within you? I know *pause and take a breath* it sounds a little crazy right? But it’s not. Because think of those times when you cursed an individual out because you were pissed off. Now, do adults behave like that? No, children react off of their emotions (via PJ Jackson from Facebook); throw temper tantrums, give silent treatments, etc. I have a little girl that lives in me; not quite sure of her age, but she will fight you when provoked; hurt you when hurt’ blame you when afraid; the list goes on and on. It’s not her fault, little girl is simply protecting herself and making sure that her needs are met, and if they are not met little girl acts up or at least wants to act up because she feels there is something she lacks. When little girl wants to act up, I have to appease her. Paul said, When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child (1 Corinthians 13:11).

This little girl is wanting… love? Acceptance? Respect? Whatever it is that she may want when a situation arrives and these wants are tested and the definition does not fit; little girl wants to react. Throw an all out temper tantrum; curse you out, punch you in your face, any and everything little girl is ready. Because she will have her way. But I now see that our way has to coincide with the Creator’s way, because I can’t lean to my own understanding. Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; (Proverbs 3:5) .Those things that I saw, heard, felt, etc then interpreted as a child, I can not keep those as the base of my understanding now, I have to lean to his. By His I mean God, your higherself, Goddess whom ever is your life source that exists within you, that which sustains your breath, your digestive system, your brain- we do not tell our thoughts to think then neurons start firing. Lean not to my own understanding because the understanding may be a result of faulty thinking. The Creator’s way is pure, righteous, love; at its highest vibration. As I come to understand more about My Creator, that exists within me, I grow; I become a woman, I put away childish things. So when little girl wants to move when things go down, I be still; when she wants to react to some hurtful words she heard, I breath, listen, interpret; and when she wants to react, I decide how I will respond… if any response at all.

It’s not easy calming down that raging little girl, that raging damaging tornado, but she is learning to trust me, to trust our Self, trust the Creator. Instead of raging she may grunt, roll her eyes, suck her teeth, and these reactions are better but I have to give her a way to release that energy. I know writing is one way I do this, but today something else was brought back to my awareness; when I was a little girl, I used to love to daaaaance. I would get on stage at the Center in Pendleton, SC and dance my little heart out. One time I was dancing so hard that my nose started bleeding and even still I didn’t want to stop. Lol. I loved dancing.

So today is Sunday I started out my day with prayer and set an intention to write some blogs. I got my space ready; essential oils burning (violet, rose, and rosemary put in link for a website) Floetry flowing on Pandora; “Butterflies” live. Instinctively, I started dancing; arms high in the air, hips swaying, knees bending, back flowing. I. Was. Free. Happy; the same feelings I had as a small girl dancing at the Center. So from this day forward, dance I shall, because a grown woman does have to put away childish things, but that does not mean the child in the grown woman shouldn’t maintain the things that stimulate her true inner joy. So join me ya’ll, today; we dance!!!