Thankful

I had mixed feeling about thanksgiving this year. Last year I was kind of a holiday basher, went around asking people how often do they express what they are thankful for or is it something that they only save for Thanksgiving? This year I got offended when I encountered another Thanksgiving basher; her story was why celebrate a holiday where a people were robbed of their culture and their land? I feel her but it’s Thanksgiving. Regardless of who stole what- after all they stole everything- why can’t we just enjoy Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving is actually my favorite holiday because all of the family gets together and we have a ball!

I don’t normally get into all the hype about what are you thankful for because moment by moment I notice many a things that I am thankful for and I openly express it. But here lately, I have learned more and more about being thankful. No one asked me this year, what I am thankful for – and that would happen when I actually would like to be asked- but since no one did, I will just go ahead and say; I am thankful for my ancestors. Not only those who are my actual blood and had something to do with me actually being able to walk among the living, but those who have no blood ties to my family but have touched us in such a way like Marvin Gaye, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, Assata Shakur, Betsy Coleman, Sojourner Truth, Maya Angelou, and the list goes on and on and on.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I spend my time. A lot of my time is spent doing things that will not get a great return on my investment of time. That’s like standing in line at best buy for 3hrs only to get ten percent off your purchase… pointless. And I cannot say that I feel guilty about this but I feel… disappointed, as if someone or some people are watching me and silently shaking their heads because I do not live my life of purpose as I should.
I do not understand, how much was given up, so that I could be here. Yes we’ve heard it before at our homes, in our classes, in our conversations, how much our ancestors went through. But how many of us actually sit down and look at that shit. Look at the fact that we go shopping for Jordan’s when how every many generations ago our people did not have shoes and had to fight for their shoes like the men in “Glory” (Denzell Washington, Morgan Freeman, and Ferris Bueller sp?). Do we take for granted the fact that it is so simple to get some money and go drop that on some J’s? What if tomorrow all shoes disappeared, would we truly know how good we have it.
Or what about the fact that we are simply breathing at this moment? Because right now someone is taking their last breath. What about those ancestors’ lives that were taken, not just by nooses, but because of will, because some of our ancestors jumped overboard and drowned rather than endure what was across the water.

Do I not know what my mother went through when she carried me and nurtured me in her womb for almost nine months ( I was impatient). That she endured morning sickness and nights of pain and discomfort. Morning sickness on the mornings where she wakes up and I am not in my bed, pain and discomfort when I am running the streets at night and she is unable to protect me, as a mother feels she should. The nights that she gave up going shopping with her friends because my brothers and I needed food to eat or clothes to wear.

Do I not know what people like Billie Holiday, Ray Charles, Nina Simone, etc tolerated when their lyrics and songs were stolen? The pressure they endured performing in a society that was so definitely divided? The pressures of performing in a society that felt you had no right to be so damned good at what you do so you had to jump through extra hoops?

Obviously I do not know, because if I knew what they went through so that I can be here and experience the very same things that they denied, I would be thankful. And I wouldn’t only think about it on Thanksgiving but it would be a constant thought implanted in every one of my neurons so that each word I speak and action I do is a reflection of who I am and where I come from. At this moment I realized I have lived my life short of that, the good thing about it though is now that I am aware, I can make a conscious decision to change both my thoughts and actions. I am grateful for the sacrifices made so that I can have life, and have it more abundantly; and each thought, word, and action –starting right now- is an expression of this awareness.

So, tell me; what are you thankful for? And are you really, thankful?

© Enigma 2011

"Love, so many people use your name in vain"

“Love, so many people use your name in vain. Looove”(Musiq)

What is love?
Merriam-webster.com (1) defines love as:
(1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b : an assurance of affection

2: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
3a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admirationb (1) : a beloved person : DARLING —often used as a term of endearment (2) British —used as an informal term of address
4a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind(2) : brotherly concern for othersb : a person's adoration of God

And all of these sounded good but they just didn’t amount to the feeling that I call love.

So I got to thinking well, who taught me how to love? Who did God use as tools to help me learn how to love? An array of names came up, starting with my parents (Honor thy mother and thy father fore they days will be long upon the land… see I told you, they are your x marks the spot you are here blueprints to the land God knew you could walk… but I digress). Then names of previous boyfriends, current and previous friends, came to mind.

While going through my mental rolodex I noticed that it never occurred to me to put my name on the list. I did not put myself on the list of people who taught me how to love. I mean out of the names on my list, shouldn’t I have been the very first one??? But thinking all about that would have put me in a-whole-nother mental windstorm so I just acknowledged the fact that I did not put myself on the list. And to make matters… more… interesting, when I tried to think of how I loved myself I couldn’t even come up with the answers!!!

But that’s okay. Whatever beliefs I had about love had no doubt created the situations that I wound up in. Those situations tested those beliefs and through the tests, I realized that the belief that I had about love- which was being mirrored back to me in my relationships- is NOT the definition that worked for me. For example, one of my beliefs was, that when you love someone you do what they say or they do what you say. Therefore, I found myself in relationships where I allowed someone else to come into my life and dictate my actions because I loved them and wanted them to be happy. And at times, they did the same for me. But what about the times when this belief didn’t hold true?

What about the time when I thought he loved me so he would be loyal to me, but he wasn’t? And as a result I tried to control him, tried to MAKE him display his, love for me; all the while, killing my love for myself and him when he would not abide. These actions painted my life with stories of all kinds of abuse.

So… that belief can’t be true right? RIGHT! So what do I do? Do I continue to go from one situation to the next with the idea that love is control, that for someone to love you, they do what you say or for you to show you love someone you do what they say? Do I continue to find myself in more portraits of abuse –both to self and the man I say I love? Or do I realize that maybe just maybe my definition of love is jacked up? And choose to no longer follow this definition into relationships because the pain- the proof that my definition is jacked up- is no longer necessary?

I say this so often “this too shall pass” that I fear people will start to think it is one of my favorite clichés… because that is not the case. I say this phrase because it is true. In Ecclesiastes chapter three the the speaker states (2):

1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
So, “this too shall pass”. Seasons of winter will come… bringing painted portraits of abuse but spring is right around the corner; I’ve had enough of being cold… lonely… dead. “This too shall pass”. We cannot get caught up in our experiences because they do not define us… it is the definition that we put towards them, we define our experiences! Will we ever come to over-stand how powerful we really are?

Yes I was in a situation where confusing control with love had me in a fucked up situation. But this does not mean that I am unworthy, that this is all I am capable of attracting, that I was treated badly because I deserved it. It simply means that I learned a fucked up definition of love. What is beautiful about this is that through living, I KNOW BETTER.

We often wish for a do-over button in life; a rewind button; an eraser to erase some shit; and would you believe me if I told you that we do have it; in our minds. When we learn something that does not fit our… paradigm we have the power to erase it take out the letters we don’t like, the periods, the semi colon’s and rewrite the whole damn thing!

I may not have known what love is, did not know how to love myself, but I am learning.

Do you, know what love is? Do you thrive in the midst of love? And if you don’t… that’s okay. Just know that you are a Co-Creator of your life. Now, with that knowledge, what are YOU going to do about it?

Peacccce

1. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/love
2. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ecclesiastes+3&version=KJV

Go Round That Bend!

Since I’m such the perfect lil authoress I had found a piece of scrap paper in my purse to write my many epiphanies on for my latest blog. Since I also have a problem with completion and consistency, at the moment, I cannot find it. I am not going to let that stop me, because earlier today I was preaching about “’by any means necessary’. Isn’t that what Malcolm X said”? So by any means necessary this blog will get written and that’s just that.
So, I live in the country and one day I was riding around because I did not want to go home. So instead of taking routes that I was familiar with I got a little… adventurous and turned left onto this road that I had been down once before, but turned around after getting about five minutes into the ride because I was scared of getting lost. But on this day, I went farther came to another stop sign and went left because another car went in that direction. I kept riding, admiring the scenery, which only consisted of grass, trees, and houses but I was enjoying what I saw. Being in nature, or in my case, riding through it is calming. I keep straight and come to another stop sign and turned left again. I would have kept going straight but I saw a sign that said “end of state maintenance” so that meant; turn around. When I turned around I made a left on a little side road. Now mind you, I am riding down this road scared as hell. Ask me why. And I couldn’t tell you because it was daylight, I had gas in my car, my doors were locked, seat belt on, but I was scared. Scared to get lost, what if I got a flat and my phone couldn’t find a signal and I died out there. Or worse the KKK see me riding around and lynch my black ass. All kind of thoughts were going through my mind. I kept going straight and came into a curvy part of the road, going around the curve I felt like I was in the mountains but I was only 15 mins from my house so I couldn’t be in the mountains right? So I kept going and I seen one of those signs that lets you know a curve is coming up.. a crucial curve at that, but I keep going. I go around a small curve; not so bad. I keep going and there is a deep right angle curve and there are no more trees beside the road there is rock and to my right is a steep drive way with a house down in the cut, man you should have seen me pulling down in that drive way and backing my ass up out of there! I was too through; I thought I was in the mountains.

Leaving the road I was thinking about coming back because man something inside of me just wanted me to keep going straight. I tried to convince a guy friend of mine to come take me down the road, he wouldn’t or at least didn’t in enough time for me. I mentioned it to another friend, no response, I mentioned it to several friends but none of them really seemed too thrilled about it. But I had to go, every time I came to the stop sign that began my adventure I wanted to make that left and keep going, I even wanted to do it at night, but come on son, I’m not that crazy. Well one day I had to pick a friend up from work and I asked her, “you wanna go on that rode” all see had to do was slightly open her mouth for a yes and I was already turning going in that direction. So we riding, and she’s enjoying the scenery and talking, and we get to the infamous curve and she says “Cole we must be up pretty high because I see the tops of trees” told ya’ll I was in the mountains! So we keep going, through that curve and made a left and kept straight. Well we didn’t see any more deep curves or rock for that matter but when we came to our last stop sign guess where we were, right on a road that is beside my church!

My friend and I went to our house and had a good laugh about the event. She joked about me praying asking if I could take someone around the bend with me, and even though I didn’t get a definite yes I still acted upon it. She described herself as the willing… partner ride or die and ready for anything and we just laughed. Laughed about how smoothly I had gotten her to ride with me, but as usual with us, the conversation got deep. I wanted to go around the road, but I was afraid to do it by myself even though something in my called out for me to do it. As the driver I have the drive the initiative to get something started, the fearlessness –as long as I can bring someone with me. And my passenger, is willing, open to whatever may come, but had to realize that she does not need another person to drive her because the Creator is always driving her…. Who knew that all of this could come from a little exploring?

So what in your life are you afraid to go around the bend on? Do you feel that you are incapable or unworthy of doing it without grasping the hand of someone to venture off with you? Or are you waiting for a driver ignoring the fact that the Driver lives within you? Don’t be afraid. Go, GO NOW! “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always be where you’ve always been”, and you already know what is behind you. When you venture out to something new trust that God is taking care of you and will ride with you, safely, to wherever it is you need to be, with newer heights of awareness to accompany you along the way. Go! GO NOW!


© 2011 Enigma

Little Girl Dance!

So, how many of you know that there are different age groups of you, living within you? I know *pause and take a breath* it sounds a little crazy right? But it’s not. Because think of those times when you cursed an individual out because you were pissed off. Now, do adults behave like that? No, children react off of their emotions (via PJ Jackson from Facebook); throw temper tantrums, give silent treatments, etc. I have a little girl that lives in me; not quite sure of her age, but she will fight you when provoked; hurt you when hurt’ blame you when afraid; the list goes on and on. It’s not her fault, little girl is simply protecting herself and making sure that her needs are met, and if they are not met little girl acts up or at least wants to act up because she feels there is something she lacks. When little girl wants to act up, I have to appease her. Paul said, When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child (1 Corinthians 13:11).

This little girl is wanting… love? Acceptance? Respect? Whatever it is that she may want when a situation arrives and these wants are tested and the definition does not fit; little girl wants to react. Throw an all out temper tantrum; curse you out, punch you in your face, any and everything little girl is ready. Because she will have her way. But I now see that our way has to coincide with the Creator’s way, because I can’t lean to my own understanding. Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; (Proverbs 3:5) .Those things that I saw, heard, felt, etc then interpreted as a child, I can not keep those as the base of my understanding now, I have to lean to his. By His I mean God, your higherself, Goddess whom ever is your life source that exists within you, that which sustains your breath, your digestive system, your brain- we do not tell our thoughts to think then neurons start firing. Lean not to my own understanding because the understanding may be a result of faulty thinking. The Creator’s way is pure, righteous, love; at its highest vibration. As I come to understand more about My Creator, that exists within me, I grow; I become a woman, I put away childish things. So when little girl wants to move when things go down, I be still; when she wants to react to some hurtful words she heard, I breath, listen, interpret; and when she wants to react, I decide how I will respond… if any response at all.


It’s not easy calming down that raging little girl, that raging damaging tornado, but she is learning to trust me, to trust our Self, trust the Creator. Instead of raging she may grunt, roll her eyes, suck her teeth, and these reactions are better but I have to give her a way to release that energy. I know writing is one way I do this, but today something else was brought back to my awareness; when I was a little girl, I used to love to daaaaance. I would get on stage at the Center in Pendleton, SC and dance my little heart out. One time I was dancing so hard that my nose started bleeding and even still I didn’t want to stop. Lol. I loved dancing.

So today is Sunday I started out my day with prayer and set an intention to write some blogs. I got my space ready; essential oils burning (violet, rose, and rosemary put in link for a website) Floetry flowing on Pandora; “Butterflies” live. Instinctively, I started dancing; arms high in the air, hips swaying, knees bending, back flowing. I. Was. Free. Happy; the same feelings I had as a small girl dancing at the Center. So from this day forward, dance I shall, because a grown woman does have to put away childish things, but that does not mean the child in the grown woman shouldn’t maintain the things that stimulate her true inner joy. So join me ya’ll, today; we dance!!!

Who Are You?

Who are you? I asked myself this question the other day because I am a chameleon. When around people long enough I can adapt to them to the point of mirroring; their words become my words, their hand movements my hand movements, their laugh becomes my laugh. And to say the least it’s frustrating; trying to remember what my laugh was like before I met so and so… when did I start crossing my arms like this… etc etc. So, WHO AM I? I asked myself that question and I’m glad that I had some time because life sat me down for Know Thyself 101 and boy did I learn.
People often times say that you can’t know where you are going unless you know where you’ve been… why is that? When I asked myself who was I my thoughts immediately went to my family members; because after all they make up who I am, and I thought about time when I saw a family member be- what I considered- disrespectful to his mother. Well what did he do you ask? Rushed to get out of her presence, dismissing what she said because in his mind, I imagine, he had somewhere more important to be. I was angered, had to breath through those flames, but HOW could he treat his mama like that??? And you know how they say be careful what you ask for because you just might get it? Well they should have said, “be careful what you ask for because you WILL get it”… how could he treat his mama like that?? And the Holy Spirit said, “how can you treat YOUR mama like that”? WHAT?!? No, not me! But then it came; the conversation where I had dismissed her earlier that day, the times when she calls and I don’t answer because “dangit I’m grown and why you need to know where I’m at, I’m safe”, the times when I talk on the phone to other people and ignore the one who gave me life…
all those times…

It hit me.

All at once.
And I started bawling, like a big ole baby, bawling!

After I let all of that guilt and shame out – you think I would have learned better than to ask another question right, but I didn’t- I asked another question; “why do I behave like this? Why do I dismiss my mother, why do I get upset when she calls me fifty million times? After all she is my mama the one who game me life? She is my mama, she loves me and the things she does are simply displays of what she knows and has learned and who the hell am I to try and punish HER for being who she is????”
That is not fair; that is not unconditional love… but, “don’t I love my Mama”?
I’m sure I did before that point but in the midst of that point I learned exactly how to love her and why I hadn’t been loving her…. Plain and simple, I was angry.

I come from a single parent home and when asked about my daddy I would say, “Yeah he lived ten minutes away but never visited.” and I thought this response was fine, until all of these things about my behavior with my mama were brought to my attention. The reply about my dad, displays nothing other than anger, and anger is a mask that hurt wears. If my reply about him stemmed from love, why didn’t I tell people that my daddy is an awesome smart, talented, unique individual who passed those great genes and fine looks down to me? I mean doesn’t that feel better? I’m for real; doesn’t it?? Does that not come from love? And is that not, the truth?!? Yes it is. So, why wasn’t I saying that? I thought I had overcame daddy issues; I hadn’t. I was angry with him, my five year old little Nicole was mad as hell because he wasn’t there. And with age, came more misunderstanding about why he wasn’t there, not sure of how to display it, I acted out.

Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, focused his work on the subconscious mind. Freud believed that to avoid anxiety one would use defense mechanisms; projection, denial, displacement, etc. Displacement involves taking out your frustrations, etc on a person or object that is less threatening. I acted out against the love of my mother, because I was mad as hell… hurt, about the lack of love from my father.
*Deep breath*
I imagine a five year old little girl would think she must be the reason her father left. He left because she must be bad… She must be worthless… I must be worthless…. So I can’t be who I am… I have to be other people. She laughs like that hmmm so will I… she writes her Q’s like that… so will I… and on and on and on (all subconscious beliefs based off of what in my immature spirit and mind had experienced).

See what we do to ourselves?
See why you can’t know where you are going unless you know where you came from?
If I had not taken the time to sit down with myself and ask-pray- for these answers, I may still be stuck in that conditional love behavior.

The behavior we exhibit is nothing but a combination of what we have learned and been taught. You CAN NOT know where you are going if you do not remember the directions or can’t feel the steps and lessons of where you have been; both on a physical and spiritual level. You CAN NOT know why you do what you do if you don’t know the beliefs that cause those actions.
You CAN NOT know who you are if you do not look at those who came before you; those who with the help of the Almighty, brought YOU into existence. Because those are the parents that GOD DECIDED, you needed, to learn what you needed to learn for the betterment of your spirit and life.

I chose a father who, for whatever reason was not there…. I used to believe he wasn’t there because I wasn’t worthy; lovable; good enough. Unfortunately, I don’t know why he wasn’t there, but what I do know is that he gave me some GREAT genes. And without him I would not be here, and for that I love him. And instead of choosing to believe I am worthless, I know that God does not present us with any situation that he has not equipped us with the necessary tools to deal with.

My father wasn’t there because I could deal with it. This is the way God saw that I could learn to see my own worth and see the truth of who I am… and I AM LOVE. And he showed me this through a mother who is… lol, to say the least, over protective and a father who chose to love from a distance. The key thing in both of those is LOVE, they loved me the best way they knew how. Through them I have learned to love me on a deeper level. I was looking for my love to come a certain way from them because they are my parents but through divine order (there are no consequences!) It is through them that I got back to the original Essence of who I am. This is why you can not know where you are going until you know where you have been. This is why the bible says honor thy mother and thy father so that thy days will be long upon the land. Because your parents are your “x marks the spot, you are here” blue prints to the land that God knew you would walk and could handle when he decided to give you his breath.
So… who are you?

© Enigma 2011

Discomfort

What causes me discomfort? I asked myself this about two weeks ago, and the rigid virgin part of me is pulling a Homer Simpson for not putting a date at the top of my last entry…

*Breath*

But what causes me discomfort?

I have thought about this but in this moment, I should be able to answer it perfectly because I am in a place of discomfort -from my health to my finances. But, through all this insanity my mind has stayed sound; I have kept my joy because I am aware that the Creator will never leave nor forsake me regardless of what goes on. Besides how could She/He?

What causes me discomfort? I made a list:
• Going to bed late
• Eating pork
• Not reading my textbooks
• Ended relationships
• People telling me what to do or asking what I’m doing
• Feeling that people are trying to play me
• Doing projects instead of living in reality


So what brings me discomfort; to sum it all up, not listening to my Goddess when she speaks, not paying attention to what she tells me. Not living my life of purpose.

I mean life has been cool up until this point- even beautiful-looking through new eyes; my Goddess eyes. But, I no longer have to live like this. That thought has been presented to me many times but I failed to truly see and this is why I am in a state of discomfort. I realize, though, being in discomfort is not a bad thing. We like to perceive it as bad because it doesn’t feel too good. Our little cozy world we have built of complacency, fallacy, etc., soon gets a little tight…uncomfortable; and we find ourselves in a place of discomfort. It may take a few hours or many years but one day if you aren’t living a life of purpose you will get very uncomfortable. But discomfort, I have come to realize, is a place filled with opportunity; like how the depression was for entrepreneurs.

Discomfort is not a place to drown in, it is a place to be reborn.

It’s the place where what we’ve been doing joins with what we now know and conceives… discomfort, and we have the choice to be joyful or ashamed of this act. I choose to be joyful; I am happy about this addition to my family. I am unwrapping my bundle, my levels of discomfort, because it really does hold joy.

Not living my life of purpose causes me discomfort, and like Drake said, “Everybody dies, but not everybody lives”. So I thank you, discomfort, because I choose to start living, TODAY!


© Enigma 2011

On it

6 million
3 hundred
7 thousand
2 hundred
and thirteen seconds
you're on in
my mind


Tick
tock
tick


seconds pass 9 with your name on my mind
universal
because with you I vibe


In the purest essence of the word
no parasitic exchange in our world
just building
you... me... a nation.
Just what I've been waiting on
for so damn long.


And I didn't think that it would come in this package
cuz when I was kneeling down asking
I had no idea.
That I knew
but they do say the man that knows something knows nothing at all
and I don't know if I should say this but I'm already starting to fall
awh hell
I may as well
tell
the truth
I already fell


and this here
this is swell


and when I spit this shit I'ma spit it just like this because I want everyone to experience
this...
vibe.


They say you always know when you have met the one
and I ain't never spoke this shit before
but man
I think you are him
the one I birthed to bring me back to One.


See you may not overstand
because you see a little differently than I do
but man my whole life I been waiting on you and
this is crazy man
yet you feel it too
and
this is gravy.
Pouring we on us
but what about you
gotta know what you gone do


You spoke of plans
the words of God-King walking in man
I'm just trying to see if you co-creating what you saying
so I can be ya Goddess-Queen
if you know what I mean
baby I got my own plans
we can do this thing....


See I always loved where I grew as a child
it's starting to come together
see mentally
I've been living there for a while.
Guess I was searching for that light
similar to mine
because you know this physicall has no power without that spiritual life line.


Crazy I never thought it could be like this
man
but shit man
this is crazy and


anybody else that was even in my rolodex
I ain't even studying
and that's for you my friend
and this shit is crazy
that
when I'm with you
I vibe.


Your lips say things like
I am your key
I unlock you
causing treasures to fall
baby this is what I do
yet you are my key
doing the same thing to me too...


and, it's crazy


because you been on my mind all day...
6 million
3 hundred
7 thousand
2 hundred and 13 seconds


tick
tick
tick.

(c) 2011 Enigma