Tears

I am angry
because I thought I cried my last tear,
yesterday.
But the sun is cradled in the arms of the sky and with this occurrence a new batch of tears has manifest.

I’m not angry because of their reappearance.
I’m angry because with this new expedition I believed that I would finally reach my point,
The point of not return,
The end.

The end of the games
The lying
The playing.
The end of non love being dressed up to look like love because the giver was unaware that outside appearances can indeed look the same.
Failing to realize that it’s the light that shines from within that you must discern.

I believed I had reached the point,
The point of no return.
The point where blows weren’t returned in place of love.
Deceit in place of truth.
Stagnation in place of growth.
Because being at the receiving end, I could no longer take any more...
Blows to this heart of mine
No more deceit transferred as truth within my mind.
No more promises of “baby I’ll do better” only to sit and wait and wait and sit
And at 7 seconds to the final hour realize that better was really a euphemism for
Technically never.

Through those season I cried so many tears.
Tears from the corner of my eyes,
Some falling from the inside and outside
Or filled to the rim and over flowing
Even though I tried my damnedest to keep them in.

I cried hurt tears
Scared, sometimes terrified tears,
I can’t do this shit no mo’ tears.
I’ll kill this nigga tears
Oh so this mofo must think I’m stupid tears
But he really bout to see my crazy, tears.

I cried confused, unhappy, unwanted, unappreciated, uncelebrated...
Tears.
Cried so many tears for 28 seasons.

So when the seasons changed, I thought I would no longer need the tears
After all, for everything there is a season.
And I had passed through so many deaths, that I believed this was finally my season of life.
And it was, it is, but even in life, you cry...
Tears.

Tears of happiness, renewal, growth.
Tears because what I had been through I don’t have to go through anymore.
Tears because where I am, is no longer where I was and where I’m going...
I control.

But, regardless of the season and who is or isn’t on the expedition with me
I can count on my tears because they continuously cleanse
Allowing me to release.


(c) Enigma May 28, 2010

Rebirth

I feel… revived, in tune, inspired.
Filled above the rim with inspiration
and thoughts
about how I have spent the inhales and exhales of my time.
Allowing them to waste away with the tripping
realizing I had fallen into death.
Not living
because to live
is to give…
life.

By putting ink to lines
the reason my heart pumps
energy through my veins
every second minute hour
of the day
of my time.

Instead of giving I have sat
still and stagnant slowly sinking in the slums of
unworthiness
unable to see the truth.
Slowly taking my life.

In that small room down the hall, first door on the left…
assuming the poison was the cure
yet each intake euthanizes
preventing myself of the ability to see what my Self is capable of
creating.

See people have suffered because of sitting and intakes
left to think that their experience is there’s alone
superior to their very essence.
Because I have failed to fulfill the obligation of my own essence.
Putting ink to lines, life to death, joy to weeping.
I was wrapped up in flesh.

But I am here, I died
had to resurrect.
At 11:32 on the first day.
Born again to be the people’s poet.
Speaking your truth by writing my own
and you know it.
Now, so do I, and never
will I abandon you,
again.

This hand will incessantly put ink to lines
paper to pen
reverse it back
pen to paper
to help raise you out of this death
giving new life.
I dedicate mine...
to you.


(c) 2010 Enigma

First Day of Summer

Today is the first day of summer
2010.
And for the first time I realized on this day
is THE day
I lose my mind.


See this time last year I noticed the change;
tears one minute at Wendy’s because they forgot my fries.
Ready to fight the next minute because this woman pulled out in front of me at the light.
Hormones raced from 100 to 325
and I just could not figure out why…


See last year if I was getting any action I could have sworn something was baking in my oven
but I can’t be adding more immaculate conception stories to the list,
so I knew that was not the case.

But what was I saying...
oh yeah,
today is the first day of summer.
And I’m stuck between here and there
Stuck between trying to be who I was and trying to birth who I really am,
and it just all has me feeling crazy;
like I’m 4 coo coo’s over the nest.


I think it’s something about that element that saturates my being...
now that I know
instead of believing...
in fairytales.

Hell I don’t even know why I’m writing this poem
if you can call it that.
I'm just trying to get my thoughts out
because it’s the first day of summer
and I STILL don’t seem to know where I’m going.

I mean the scales tipped and I ended a relationship
still don’t know why I did that
because it was "the best I ever had"
but...
life happens.
It’s like I know………………………....but I don’t
“a man that knows something knows he knows nothing at all”
and all I know is that a change is coming.
Yet, I know nothing.

See what I’m talking bout?
Just like that,
in one day,
my mind gone.

So long.........................
maybe I didn’t need it anyway.

So yeah ended a relationship,
distancing myself from friends.
Trying to keep from crying,
really wanting to bash some heads in.
Trying to go straight...
keep veering to the right
making sharp turns to the left;
I just don’t feel right.

Got friends calling me
because they think I can help them.
What they really fail to know is that they are the helper;
helping me balance between sane and insanity.
God, Thank you
man I LOVE those chicks.

Want more for my mama,
like a house on the hill
She’s worked hard her whole life
that’s the least I can do.

Father’s day was yesterday
started out that day in tears.
Had to cleanse my soul of a donor who didn’t know that his absence left his little girl un-whole,
but now I’m a grown woman;
no time for daddy issues...
yet daddy issues lead to man issues...
See what I mean?
C S.
I E
R L
C
That’s how I’m running
and no one will save me,
because I have no savior
just me.
"ONE is the magic number"
to the life that I see.

Coming up with thoughts in my head
trying to save the world
break down the prison industrial system
talking bout rehabilitation
they just trying to kill a “nigga”
physically or spiritually
which ever way they can get it.

Can’t listen to the radio
the government on that too
Got lil Wayne singing bout brains in the street
raps our children sing
yet we wonder why the street screams
from the blood that it is stained with;
our seeds
our kings
our queens.
Yet we continue to facilitate the growth of the problem.
Do you see what I mean?

White folks done lost they mind
draggin my brothers and sisters down the street
I want to start a revolution
but everyone else seems to be asleep.
Or caught up in drama
that they perpetuate for themselves
wishing all haters to hell
how bout you just jump in that well.
Because don’t nobody care, bout what the hell you got going on
you don’t even care yourself else you’d leave that shit alone.
Can’t turn on the tv
none of those people look like me.
And the ones who do
turn the Goddess image into a whore’s reflection
trying to find the connection
to love thru sex
or fame through shaking what ya mama gave you all in the name of the game.

I guess this is why my mind is blown
we getting pimped on every corner
from the radio to the tv
to those lil building with plus signs on top.
And ppl wonder why I’m psycho
I’m effected by all this ish.
Not to mentions I see visions of people I have never met
See lives that I don’t recall living
See daughters that I have yet to birth.
Some may call it a gift
but in this state it is a curse.

Had to turn my black berry on silent
before I turn into a twitter freak.
Already been to facebook rehab 4 times
maaaaan
and that was all in one week.

See if anybody truly knows me,
I wish you would come
because it’s the first day of summer
and my mind...
hell
I obviously
don’t got none.

(c) June 21, 2010 Enigma

Forgive Me for I have Sinned

orgive Me For I Have Sinned.
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Today at 11:40am | Edit Note | Delete
This is a rough draft but I just felt compelled to share today. I've been working on it since December, the time has come for me to finish it. Final draft coming soon.



I must ask you for my forgiveness.
It was once said that one must confess his sins one to another
But first, I must confess them to you.
And that is why I am here, In this very spot…
I have sinned.
I’m coming to you, confessing,
this guilt is so heavy, I can no longer walk with it weight on my spirit.
I’m hoping that you will wipe away my transgressions
Cleanse me.
I forgot how I was supposed to walk
So upon entering a crowd with shorts to short or my voice just a little to damn loud you had to shake your head.

See at the time I did not know,
Because I was a child
With wool so thick over these green eyes
Blocking out the entire picture leaving me
With what was planted before me.
My physical eyes could not see and that eye up there yes, it had not been fed enough to perceive
The gift my ancestors graciously gave.


So you see,
I have sinned
Temporarily forgot that royalty is what flowed within
My being
My spirit
My blood
Blood that was shed on African
European
And American soil.

Uprooted

Barred with a name nowhere, near, as superior as their own
While suitors looked on
Placing bets
To purchase a life Considered… inhumane
When all along those predators predecessors knew the rules
That they in fact were the game

Defacing black gold and ivory effigies
Destroying buildings
Putting flame to our knowledge
The smoldering smoke covering In hopes that what we know would forever be forgotten
Cut out our tongue and added their own
Forming words foreign to our spirit weakening our connection
So that when God called we did not understand our name.

So please,
forgive me...
I remember the pain,
In the middle of my chest.

for every time I disrespected my mother
Not caring of our story that she carried with her.
Back to the oldest soul that lived and allowed me to be.
Falling short
In your eyes, once, again.

See my mama worked like they put you to work
Black and brown skin pouring out blood, sweat, and tears.
While They sat in the houses looking on
Controlling the string connected to your mind
rippling throughout your body and being
Secretly fearing that one day you would remember who you were and
When you were incited their fear rose
So high that you had to fall, or rather be pushed so low

Trampled were you spirits in the ground
When that knotted ole rope broke
Yet another one of ya fathers, brother, or uncles neck.
"Blood on the leaves blood on the roots
Southern trees bear strange fruit"

Like that of your ya aunties, sister, and mothers
With white skin and blue eyes

Some of the realest lyrics ever wrote
I hope you can understand these words that I wrote or am speaking because I now know that I have sinned.

And I tried to confess to him but
Learned that he belonged to them
Stolen from our ancestors legacy
Subtracted the prince of Asaur and Aset
Divided his degress of melanin
His true manifestation
Multiplied his power by adding him to the trinity
Then multiplied and magnified him to his imaginary throne.
Gave him back to you
Wrapped tight in the beautiful white bow
Assuring you that he is the prince of truth and light
Who gave his last breath so that your sins would not prevent you from seeing the blessed after life

Promise land flowing with milk and honey lined with streets of gold
As long as in this life, you obeyed and worked until your back was bent and each time your heart beat, death blew it’s breath on your ear reminding you of that land.

While they drank and ate of your hands insatiably
You being the source of their promise in this land

So forgive me my ancestors, for I have sinned
At times I get caught up in this life
With the the sirens singing songs of other women’s men
And that tube poisoning my mind with sex, drugs, and gin
See I was too distracted and failed to remember the waters raging against the rugged road you traveled so that my journey could begin.

But now
my eyes are open
NEVER
to be closed again not in the spiritual sense or physical because my seed will still continue fighting and remembering

I have turned away from my evil
And now on my knees I beg
Please for give me
In repentance
let it be so and so it is; also known as amen.

© Saturday, December 19, 2009 Enigma

If You Like It Then You Need To Put A Ring On It

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“If you liked then you shoulda put a ring on it”. Beyonce’ had to know she had a hit when she put this song out. “If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it”, and as women, we should really take heed to the lyrics. No not the part about being up in the club or crying tears for three long years, no not that part; that is the part we need to avoid. Besides, we have been through that part, doing things for a man; washing his clothes, cooking his food, playing mama to his children only to have a relationship that lasts for a year or maybe three end and it seems that time was wasted.

But, every moment led up to this moment, if you find that the prior paragraph is the story of your life then my dear you need to create a new story line; the new theme being “if you like it then you need to put a ring on it”. I mean come on ladies, how long will we sit down and tolerate playing wife but not actually being his wife only to have him wind up marrying someone else?

I understand that courtship and dating are necessary to understand if the man you are interested in is even worth your hand in marriage, just as he needs to evaluate the same thing. So for some, during this time, the woman may cook a meal, she may discipline his children, or take care of him while he’s sick. All of this is fine and dandy- really it is- the first two or three times. After all how many meals does it take for a man to find out you are able to nurture his body as well as his spirit? How many times must you discipline lil Jamal before he understands that you also know how to hold your own in the mothering department? How many times must you bring him chicken noodle soup, get him to take vitamin C, and rub Vicks on his chest before he sees that you are capable in-more ways than one-to take care of and nurture him and the family that you may have together in the future? HOW MANY TIMES??? And not only how many times but also how many times will you continue to do this just because? Okay he knows that you can cook, but does he display what he can do for you? And I’m not talking about your typical ya’ll go out on a date and he pays for the meals or he opens every door (granted these things are very much appreciated as well as… EXPECTED). But more than those things, does he keep your car sparkling clean like you do or is he quick to jump in it knowing that sucka needs washing? Does he check into the situation with the male coworker that you complain keeps pestering you at work? Does he offer suggestions to any other problems that you may complain about?

I can not exactly say what the purpose of a man is because to my knowledge, I have never been one and have not thoroughly been taught in man-ology; however, I do know the purpose of a woman. As a woman, our purpose is to birth this is why we have a womb; not only to birth future gods and goddesses but to birth ideas. Upon birthing, we nurture. We nurture that child for the nine months it is in the womb and continue to nurture our children as well as our men, family, and friends to the end of our days. And, after birthing an idea or being presented with an idea, we nurture that too. With that being said, who is to protect these creators of the earth? Well, the only other option is… OUR MEN. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems that their purpose would be to protect and provide for the one who births and nurtures. Makes sense to me. Does it make sense to you?

So ladies, during this dating phase, make sure you see if your man is capable of providing for and protecting you all across, diagonal, backwards, and forwards through the spectrum. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with letting him see the ways that you can indeed birth and nurture, all I’m saying is; don’t do it for free. After a few months to a year and after one time to a few of these nurturing and creative acts, you have displayed your ability to fulfill your purpose. So don’t continue to sit around and do it just because that’s what HE expects you to do. Tell him if he likes it then he needs to put a ring on it. And if he loves you, he will, if not he’ll “keep on moving, don’t stop no” but in those situations you do the same because obviously he wasn’t the one fit to put a ring on it.

(c) Enigma May 2010

Desire

Two bodies

laying in perfect harmony

desire being inhaled...

and exhaled...

because I want to be touched

by you.

Want to experience mini explosions

just from the tips

of your fingers...

magic hands

fulfilling every command

as well as commanding

me to be open

bow down

submit,

to the sensations

electrifying from the tips.

Giving my mind hour long orgasms

24 hours

7 days a week

in the knees

just from the words you speak.

So as you exhale...

I inhale the desire that I see

Because you are my mirror

Showing… me.

Got me calling on Jehovah

Just from the effects of your breath on my skin.

I want to experience more of you

So that I can see more of me.

See the beauty that I have masked with the beast

Because I did not understand who I was.

But now, it’s all getting clearer

Like looking through the glass

And in you is me.

So I want to take this experience thru the spiritual

To the physical

Because I just want to know

How far I will go

When you take me.

Manifest the thoughts that you forsee

Because I know it is real

The words the sights,

The feeling

My touch

Or yours to mine.

I don’t know how many more lines

Or how many pieces

With letters and periods

That I can use

To take up this space

Trying to replace

The longing

The need

Of you.

In me

So deep

That I lose sense of self

While touching you

Realizing that you are what you are

I am that I am

In his image

Beautiful

Peace

Harmony

Love

Intelligence

That called the stars to be...

In perfect alignment

With the planets...

Spinning

off into galaxies...

That we have yet to perceive

Yet they exist

Become

Be

When we

Call them.

And you got me calling

To the east from the west

Going so far north

That south is indistinguishable

Now combined

Into new heights

Experiences

Life.

Populating this place

Because it is in diar need of more minds

That see how we see.

And I know all of this is deep

Maybe just a tad bit crazy

Like a drill that dug to the middle of the earth

Getting inflamed

Because it was taken to much

To turn back

to the opposite,

Knowing that what was ahead

Was where it needed to be.

But,

this is how I feel.

There are not enough words to explain

Define

Try to grasp understanding within the mind

That every time I think I am finished

I am fueled with more

A smile

A gesture

Different pieces of your soul

That I must have

Taste

Devour

Desire

(c) Enigma December 2009

Evolve...Come Back

So everyone is talking about Erykah Badu's Window Seat video. I don't have much to say on that everyone can come up with their own interpretation; however, I am more concerned with the lyrics. When I listen to the song, I feel every word she says. The verses remind me of a prayer; a conversation between me and The Creator. The chorus is a dialog between us where the Creator is telling me that He needs me to want him, needs me to miss him, and I tell him I need your direction, and he tells me come back. Man that is deep ( to me anyway).

So I was listening to the song basking in sunlight, feeling good. And I got an idea for a poem. This is a very rough draft but I hope you get filled from it. It doesn't necessarily have a title but for now I'ma call it "Evolve" (because of the Evolving Tattoo on E. Badu's back). Enjoy


"Can I get a window seat?"
But unlike Ms. Badu, I want all of my people next to me.
Looking out over the clouds
From up high
The place from which our ancestors hailed.
The place where we should reside.

See I want them next to me
creating a whole
various parts
forming synergy
birthing energy;
knowledge
power
unity
to get the Original people back to the apex that they are supposed to be.

So that we can continue to evolve.

So people gather around
partake of my fruit
bathe in my light
Feed me
Cleanse me.

I want all of my brothers and sister to see
recognize
the royalty
Kings and queens

Evolving
back
to Gods and Goddesses.

So come back, becausue
I need you
to want me.
Come back
Like Ms. E Said,
clap for me.
Because we all need direction
from the Eye that sees.

Evolve.
Allowing the spiritual eye
to penetrate the physical eyes
so that we can all percieve Our greatness.

So share this window seat
evolve... with me
Come back.

(c) Enigma April 2010