First Day of Summer

Today is the first day of summer
2010.
And for the first time I realized on this day
is THE day
I lose my mind.


See this time last year I noticed the change;
tears one minute at Wendy’s because they forgot my fries.
Ready to fight the next minute because this woman pulled out in front of me at the light.
Hormones raced from 100 to 325
and I just could not figure out why…


See last year if I was getting any action I could have sworn something was baking in my oven
but I can’t be adding more immaculate conception stories to the list,
so I knew that was not the case.

But what was I saying...
oh yeah,
today is the first day of summer.
And I’m stuck between here and there
Stuck between trying to be who I was and trying to birth who I really am,
and it just all has me feeling crazy;
like I’m 4 coo coo’s over the nest.


I think it’s something about that element that saturates my being...
now that I know
instead of believing...
in fairytales.

Hell I don’t even know why I’m writing this poem
if you can call it that.
I'm just trying to get my thoughts out
because it’s the first day of summer
and I STILL don’t seem to know where I’m going.

I mean the scales tipped and I ended a relationship
still don’t know why I did that
because it was "the best I ever had"
but...
life happens.
It’s like I know………………………....but I don’t
“a man that knows something knows he knows nothing at all”
and all I know is that a change is coming.
Yet, I know nothing.

See what I’m talking bout?
Just like that,
in one day,
my mind gone.

So long.........................
maybe I didn’t need it anyway.

So yeah ended a relationship,
distancing myself from friends.
Trying to keep from crying,
really wanting to bash some heads in.
Trying to go straight...
keep veering to the right
making sharp turns to the left;
I just don’t feel right.

Got friends calling me
because they think I can help them.
What they really fail to know is that they are the helper;
helping me balance between sane and insanity.
God, Thank you
man I LOVE those chicks.

Want more for my mama,
like a house on the hill
She’s worked hard her whole life
that’s the least I can do.

Father’s day was yesterday
started out that day in tears.
Had to cleanse my soul of a donor who didn’t know that his absence left his little girl un-whole,
but now I’m a grown woman;
no time for daddy issues...
yet daddy issues lead to man issues...
See what I mean?
C S.
I E
R L
C
That’s how I’m running
and no one will save me,
because I have no savior
just me.
"ONE is the magic number"
to the life that I see.

Coming up with thoughts in my head
trying to save the world
break down the prison industrial system
talking bout rehabilitation
they just trying to kill a “nigga”
physically or spiritually
which ever way they can get it.

Can’t listen to the radio
the government on that too
Got lil Wayne singing bout brains in the street
raps our children sing
yet we wonder why the street screams
from the blood that it is stained with;
our seeds
our kings
our queens.
Yet we continue to facilitate the growth of the problem.
Do you see what I mean?

White folks done lost they mind
draggin my brothers and sisters down the street
I want to start a revolution
but everyone else seems to be asleep.
Or caught up in drama
that they perpetuate for themselves
wishing all haters to hell
how bout you just jump in that well.
Because don’t nobody care, bout what the hell you got going on
you don’t even care yourself else you’d leave that shit alone.
Can’t turn on the tv
none of those people look like me.
And the ones who do
turn the Goddess image into a whore’s reflection
trying to find the connection
to love thru sex
or fame through shaking what ya mama gave you all in the name of the game.

I guess this is why my mind is blown
we getting pimped on every corner
from the radio to the tv
to those lil building with plus signs on top.
And ppl wonder why I’m psycho
I’m effected by all this ish.
Not to mentions I see visions of people I have never met
See lives that I don’t recall living
See daughters that I have yet to birth.
Some may call it a gift
but in this state it is a curse.

Had to turn my black berry on silent
before I turn into a twitter freak.
Already been to facebook rehab 4 times
maaaaan
and that was all in one week.

See if anybody truly knows me,
I wish you would come
because it’s the first day of summer
and my mind...
hell
I obviously
don’t got none.

(c) June 21, 2010 Enigma

Forgive Me for I have Sinned

orgive Me For I Have Sinned.
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Today at 11:40am | Edit Note | Delete
This is a rough draft but I just felt compelled to share today. I've been working on it since December, the time has come for me to finish it. Final draft coming soon.



I must ask you for my forgiveness.
It was once said that one must confess his sins one to another
But first, I must confess them to you.
And that is why I am here, In this very spot…
I have sinned.
I’m coming to you, confessing,
this guilt is so heavy, I can no longer walk with it weight on my spirit.
I’m hoping that you will wipe away my transgressions
Cleanse me.
I forgot how I was supposed to walk
So upon entering a crowd with shorts to short or my voice just a little to damn loud you had to shake your head.

See at the time I did not know,
Because I was a child
With wool so thick over these green eyes
Blocking out the entire picture leaving me
With what was planted before me.
My physical eyes could not see and that eye up there yes, it had not been fed enough to perceive
The gift my ancestors graciously gave.


So you see,
I have sinned
Temporarily forgot that royalty is what flowed within
My being
My spirit
My blood
Blood that was shed on African
European
And American soil.

Uprooted

Barred with a name nowhere, near, as superior as their own
While suitors looked on
Placing bets
To purchase a life Considered… inhumane
When all along those predators predecessors knew the rules
That they in fact were the game

Defacing black gold and ivory effigies
Destroying buildings
Putting flame to our knowledge
The smoldering smoke covering In hopes that what we know would forever be forgotten
Cut out our tongue and added their own
Forming words foreign to our spirit weakening our connection
So that when God called we did not understand our name.

So please,
forgive me...
I remember the pain,
In the middle of my chest.

for every time I disrespected my mother
Not caring of our story that she carried with her.
Back to the oldest soul that lived and allowed me to be.
Falling short
In your eyes, once, again.

See my mama worked like they put you to work
Black and brown skin pouring out blood, sweat, and tears.
While They sat in the houses looking on
Controlling the string connected to your mind
rippling throughout your body and being
Secretly fearing that one day you would remember who you were and
When you were incited their fear rose
So high that you had to fall, or rather be pushed so low

Trampled were you spirits in the ground
When that knotted ole rope broke
Yet another one of ya fathers, brother, or uncles neck.
"Blood on the leaves blood on the roots
Southern trees bear strange fruit"

Like that of your ya aunties, sister, and mothers
With white skin and blue eyes

Some of the realest lyrics ever wrote
I hope you can understand these words that I wrote or am speaking because I now know that I have sinned.

And I tried to confess to him but
Learned that he belonged to them
Stolen from our ancestors legacy
Subtracted the prince of Asaur and Aset
Divided his degress of melanin
His true manifestation
Multiplied his power by adding him to the trinity
Then multiplied and magnified him to his imaginary throne.
Gave him back to you
Wrapped tight in the beautiful white bow
Assuring you that he is the prince of truth and light
Who gave his last breath so that your sins would not prevent you from seeing the blessed after life

Promise land flowing with milk and honey lined with streets of gold
As long as in this life, you obeyed and worked until your back was bent and each time your heart beat, death blew it’s breath on your ear reminding you of that land.

While they drank and ate of your hands insatiably
You being the source of their promise in this land

So forgive me my ancestors, for I have sinned
At times I get caught up in this life
With the the sirens singing songs of other women’s men
And that tube poisoning my mind with sex, drugs, and gin
See I was too distracted and failed to remember the waters raging against the rugged road you traveled so that my journey could begin.

But now
my eyes are open
NEVER
to be closed again not in the spiritual sense or physical because my seed will still continue fighting and remembering

I have turned away from my evil
And now on my knees I beg
Please for give me
In repentance
let it be so and so it is; also known as amen.

© Saturday, December 19, 2009 Enigma