First Day of Summer

Today is the first day of summer
2010.
And for the first time I realized on this day
is THE day
I lose my mind.


See this time last year I noticed the change;
tears one minute at Wendy’s because they forgot my fries.
Ready to fight the next minute because this woman pulled out in front of me at the light.
Hormones raced from 100 to 325
and I just could not figure out why…


See last year if I was getting any action I could have sworn something was baking in my oven
but I can’t be adding more immaculate conception stories to the list,
so I knew that was not the case.

But what was I saying...
oh yeah,
today is the first day of summer.
And I’m stuck between here and there
Stuck between trying to be who I was and trying to birth who I really am,
and it just all has me feeling crazy;
like I’m 4 coo coo’s over the nest.


I think it’s something about that element that saturates my being...
now that I know
instead of believing...
in fairytales.

Hell I don’t even know why I’m writing this poem
if you can call it that.
I'm just trying to get my thoughts out
because it’s the first day of summer
and I STILL don’t seem to know where I’m going.

I mean the scales tipped and I ended a relationship
still don’t know why I did that
because it was "the best I ever had"
but...
life happens.
It’s like I know………………………....but I don’t
“a man that knows something knows he knows nothing at all”
and all I know is that a change is coming.
Yet, I know nothing.

See what I’m talking bout?
Just like that,
in one day,
my mind gone.

So long.........................
maybe I didn’t need it anyway.

So yeah ended a relationship,
distancing myself from friends.
Trying to keep from crying,
really wanting to bash some heads in.
Trying to go straight...
keep veering to the right
making sharp turns to the left;
I just don’t feel right.

Got friends calling me
because they think I can help them.
What they really fail to know is that they are the helper;
helping me balance between sane and insanity.
God, Thank you
man I LOVE those chicks.

Want more for my mama,
like a house on the hill
She’s worked hard her whole life
that’s the least I can do.

Father’s day was yesterday
started out that day in tears.
Had to cleanse my soul of a donor who didn’t know that his absence left his little girl un-whole,
but now I’m a grown woman;
no time for daddy issues...
yet daddy issues lead to man issues...
See what I mean?
C S.
I E
R L
C
That’s how I’m running
and no one will save me,
because I have no savior
just me.
"ONE is the magic number"
to the life that I see.

Coming up with thoughts in my head
trying to save the world
break down the prison industrial system
talking bout rehabilitation
they just trying to kill a “nigga”
physically or spiritually
which ever way they can get it.

Can’t listen to the radio
the government on that too
Got lil Wayne singing bout brains in the street
raps our children sing
yet we wonder why the street screams
from the blood that it is stained with;
our seeds
our kings
our queens.
Yet we continue to facilitate the growth of the problem.
Do you see what I mean?

White folks done lost they mind
draggin my brothers and sisters down the street
I want to start a revolution
but everyone else seems to be asleep.
Or caught up in drama
that they perpetuate for themselves
wishing all haters to hell
how bout you just jump in that well.
Because don’t nobody care, bout what the hell you got going on
you don’t even care yourself else you’d leave that shit alone.
Can’t turn on the tv
none of those people look like me.
And the ones who do
turn the Goddess image into a whore’s reflection
trying to find the connection
to love thru sex
or fame through shaking what ya mama gave you all in the name of the game.

I guess this is why my mind is blown
we getting pimped on every corner
from the radio to the tv
to those lil building with plus signs on top.
And ppl wonder why I’m psycho
I’m effected by all this ish.
Not to mentions I see visions of people I have never met
See lives that I don’t recall living
See daughters that I have yet to birth.
Some may call it a gift
but in this state it is a curse.

Had to turn my black berry on silent
before I turn into a twitter freak.
Already been to facebook rehab 4 times
maaaaan
and that was all in one week.

See if anybody truly knows me,
I wish you would come
because it’s the first day of summer
and my mind...
hell
I obviously
don’t got none.

(c) June 21, 2010 Enigma