Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Who Are You?

Who are you? I asked myself this question the other day because I am a chameleon. When around people long enough I can adapt to them to the point of mirroring; their words become my words, their hand movements my hand movements, their laugh becomes my laugh. And to say the least it’s frustrating; trying to remember what my laugh was like before I met so and so… when did I start crossing my arms like this… etc etc. So, WHO AM I? I asked myself that question and I’m glad that I had some time because life sat me down for Know Thyself 101 and boy did I learn.
People often times say that you can’t know where you are going unless you know where you’ve been… why is that? When I asked myself who was I my thoughts immediately went to my family members; because after all they make up who I am, and I thought about time when I saw a family member be- what I considered- disrespectful to his mother. Well what did he do you ask? Rushed to get out of her presence, dismissing what she said because in his mind, I imagine, he had somewhere more important to be. I was angered, had to breath through those flames, but HOW could he treat his mama like that??? And you know how they say be careful what you ask for because you just might get it? Well they should have said, “be careful what you ask for because you WILL get it”… how could he treat his mama like that?? And the Holy Spirit said, “how can you treat YOUR mama like that”? WHAT?!? No, not me! But then it came; the conversation where I had dismissed her earlier that day, the times when she calls and I don’t answer because “dangit I’m grown and why you need to know where I’m at, I’m safe”, the times when I talk on the phone to other people and ignore the one who gave me life…
all those times…

It hit me.

All at once.
And I started bawling, like a big ole baby, bawling!

After I let all of that guilt and shame out – you think I would have learned better than to ask another question right, but I didn’t- I asked another question; “why do I behave like this? Why do I dismiss my mother, why do I get upset when she calls me fifty million times? After all she is my mama the one who game me life? She is my mama, she loves me and the things she does are simply displays of what she knows and has learned and who the hell am I to try and punish HER for being who she is????”
That is not fair; that is not unconditional love… but, “don’t I love my Mama”?
I’m sure I did before that point but in the midst of that point I learned exactly how to love her and why I hadn’t been loving her…. Plain and simple, I was angry.

I come from a single parent home and when asked about my daddy I would say, “Yeah he lived ten minutes away but never visited.” and I thought this response was fine, until all of these things about my behavior with my mama were brought to my attention. The reply about my dad, displays nothing other than anger, and anger is a mask that hurt wears. If my reply about him stemmed from love, why didn’t I tell people that my daddy is an awesome smart, talented, unique individual who passed those great genes and fine looks down to me? I mean doesn’t that feel better? I’m for real; doesn’t it?? Does that not come from love? And is that not, the truth?!? Yes it is. So, why wasn’t I saying that? I thought I had overcame daddy issues; I hadn’t. I was angry with him, my five year old little Nicole was mad as hell because he wasn’t there. And with age, came more misunderstanding about why he wasn’t there, not sure of how to display it, I acted out.

Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, focused his work on the subconscious mind. Freud believed that to avoid anxiety one would use defense mechanisms; projection, denial, displacement, etc. Displacement involves taking out your frustrations, etc on a person or object that is less threatening. I acted out against the love of my mother, because I was mad as hell… hurt, about the lack of love from my father.
*Deep breath*
I imagine a five year old little girl would think she must be the reason her father left. He left because she must be bad… She must be worthless… I must be worthless…. So I can’t be who I am… I have to be other people. She laughs like that hmmm so will I… she writes her Q’s like that… so will I… and on and on and on (all subconscious beliefs based off of what in my immature spirit and mind had experienced).

See what we do to ourselves?
See why you can’t know where you are going unless you know where you came from?
If I had not taken the time to sit down with myself and ask-pray- for these answers, I may still be stuck in that conditional love behavior.

The behavior we exhibit is nothing but a combination of what we have learned and been taught. You CAN NOT know where you are going if you do not remember the directions or can’t feel the steps and lessons of where you have been; both on a physical and spiritual level. You CAN NOT know why you do what you do if you don’t know the beliefs that cause those actions.
You CAN NOT know who you are if you do not look at those who came before you; those who with the help of the Almighty, brought YOU into existence. Because those are the parents that GOD DECIDED, you needed, to learn what you needed to learn for the betterment of your spirit and life.

I chose a father who, for whatever reason was not there…. I used to believe he wasn’t there because I wasn’t worthy; lovable; good enough. Unfortunately, I don’t know why he wasn’t there, but what I do know is that he gave me some GREAT genes. And without him I would not be here, and for that I love him. And instead of choosing to believe I am worthless, I know that God does not present us with any situation that he has not equipped us with the necessary tools to deal with.

My father wasn’t there because I could deal with it. This is the way God saw that I could learn to see my own worth and see the truth of who I am… and I AM LOVE. And he showed me this through a mother who is… lol, to say the least, over protective and a father who chose to love from a distance. The key thing in both of those is LOVE, they loved me the best way they knew how. Through them I have learned to love me on a deeper level. I was looking for my love to come a certain way from them because they are my parents but through divine order (there are no consequences!) It is through them that I got back to the original Essence of who I am. This is why you can not know where you are going until you know where you have been. This is why the bible says honor thy mother and thy father so that thy days will be long upon the land. Because your parents are your “x marks the spot, you are here” blue prints to the land that God knew you would walk and could handle when he decided to give you his breath.
So… who are you?

© Enigma 2011

No comments:

Post a Comment