Tears

I am angry
because I thought I cried my last tear,
yesterday.
But the sun is cradled in the arms of the sky and with this occurrence a new batch of tears has manifest.

I’m not angry because of their reappearance.
I’m angry because with this new expedition I believed that I would finally reach my point,
The point of not return,
The end.

The end of the games
The lying
The playing.
The end of non love being dressed up to look like love because the giver was unaware that outside appearances can indeed look the same.
Failing to realize that it’s the light that shines from within that you must discern.

I believed I had reached the point,
The point of no return.
The point where blows weren’t returned in place of love.
Deceit in place of truth.
Stagnation in place of growth.
Because being at the receiving end, I could no longer take any more...
Blows to this heart of mine
No more deceit transferred as truth within my mind.
No more promises of “baby I’ll do better” only to sit and wait and wait and sit
And at 7 seconds to the final hour realize that better was really a euphemism for
Technically never.

Through those season I cried so many tears.
Tears from the corner of my eyes,
Some falling from the inside and outside
Or filled to the rim and over flowing
Even though I tried my damnedest to keep them in.

I cried hurt tears
Scared, sometimes terrified tears,
I can’t do this shit no mo’ tears.
I’ll kill this nigga tears
Oh so this mofo must think I’m stupid tears
But he really bout to see my crazy, tears.

I cried confused, unhappy, unwanted, unappreciated, uncelebrated...
Tears.
Cried so many tears for 28 seasons.

So when the seasons changed, I thought I would no longer need the tears
After all, for everything there is a season.
And I had passed through so many deaths, that I believed this was finally my season of life.
And it was, it is, but even in life, you cry...
Tears.

Tears of happiness, renewal, growth.
Tears because what I had been through I don’t have to go through anymore.
Tears because where I am, is no longer where I was and where I’m going...
I control.

But, regardless of the season and who is or isn’t on the expedition with me
I can count on my tears because they continuously cleanse
Allowing me to release.


(c) Enigma May 28, 2010